I created this blog to have a voice. Not only that but to learn and gain a deeper understanding of myself and the world in order to have more agency on my life. And this past year I have grown up more than the five previous years put together. So it is indeed a matter of survival when I feel the safety of my space threatened by a toxic climate of tension and fear. And due to social anxiety, socially ambiguous situations where a lot is not what it appears to be, where it is required from me to decrypt and make sense of faux cues people are sending such as passive-aggression, repressed anger and fear is absolutely unbearable to me. I just cannot deal with that shit and a lot of times, I would like to be like those who pay their internet connection, create a blog just to censor themselves, make desperate and hermetic posts where they try and take shot at people without seeming like it or addressing something that is bugging them but feel like they cannot do it directly and live in fear of fully expressing themselves because ‘they do not want drama' even if drama means having important issues dealt with rather than being eaten up by them and consumed by fear. Well I do not judge them, people handle as much as they can, people are in different stages in their lives, but this is just not me!! I am an impulsive person and I either have a voice or not! Full stop!!
I already have to deal with a real world where I am required to look down and lower my voice and I think this is the case for many of us here. That shit just wont fly over here and if I feel like dumping everything on the table I will do it! I dont do any social contract that requires me to negate or silence myself anymore and I wont compromise on this! I do not want my liberties to be conditional anymore and need the complete freedom to define myself. Once upon a time I thought this was the same from all of us here, judging from what people write about and their blogs. I just foolishly thought that most were here to challenge, defy and take on an oppressive society, NOT reproduce a carbon copy of it in this microcosm; and boy was I wrong on this one! Which is why for the longest I wondered why the most disgraceful, stupid, ignorant shit get approved in a frenetic and gleeful agitation by people clamouring 24/7 to want change, growth and revolution; To the point where dogma, censorship and ignorance have taken over. The pathological society, with its unfair hierarchy which crushes the weakest ones at the bottom, those who are fragile and vulnerable and can not stand for themselves, those who are scared, lonely and do not have a mob behind them, so get erased, silenced, humiliated and threatened … the pathological society, that we are supposedly all against has reborn here (sorry I think English failed me there :/).
And the only explanation I have for this is the fact that , well we are all here I think to find a refuge from the real world, a place where we can feel safe, find a group of people who go through the same things as we do and feel like we belong. This is understandable, this is normal, this is healthy. The problem though is that, from my point of view, most want it AT ANY COST, be it basic decency, moral, truth, knowledge. And this is an absolute tragedy because there can be NO growth, NO progress without the aforementioned things. I see it as basically the dilemma at the heart of every human existence. How much of our comfort are we ready to renounce for our principles?? How far out of our comfort zone are we ready to go in order to chase the ideals we believe in? Life starts at the end of the comfort zone! I think it is because of all of this that most discussions here never get past the reactionary stage! They never reach the point where self-assessment and nuance are needed because issues of identity are extremely personal, hence intrinsic to inner contradictions and conflicts, and not simply a matter of right or wrong, a matter of who can shout the loudest, a pissing match!
There is no challenge, no evolution, no learning, no grasping of the world mechanisms and dynamics of power in a way that would produce solutions or appropriate coping mechanisms that could help us challenge the obstacles of every day life as oppressed. From what I have experienced these past few months on this website, I can affirm with certitude that the overwhelming majority of people here have ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING CLUE what they are blogging about. Very very few people understand what privileges and many concepts they blog about 24/7 are and how they work. Or maybe they only understand them when they get to throw at white people’s faces “Check your privilege!” in a vitriolic trance and only see themselves as victims and never agents in an oppressive structure. So yeah, there is indeed some sort of atrophy of intellectual and emotional capacities and this brings me to the impunity that fosters the culture of abuse here. Many here are above absolutely everything , in reference to to the hierarchical system that reproduces the silencing and abuse of the weakest. There is absolutely no fucking responsibility, no accountability and hence no fucking moral! While reading some of the absolutely imbecilic and gross shit that are said or happen on my dash I simply refuse to believe that most of the people involved are adults and in age to vote. There might be some sort of regression happening when some log online because I cannot imagine adults behaving in such an appalling and disgusting way in the real world!
There are things I can control and things I can’t and these are few of them! I can control my eagerness to learn and challenge myself. I try to write in my sense-making quest and know that by doing so I expose myself to the vitriolic and toxic culture here. I know that the internet never forgets and that the hivemind never forgives but this is the price of growing I guess. It is indispensable to make mistakes, lose face and put my ego aside. The worst thing that could happen to me would be to end up like one of the many ignorant and dumb sheep here that avidly swallow all the shit thrown at them in the safety of the comfort zone of delusions and miss out on amazing opportunities because they are blinded by their egos. If I ever use my privilege t oppress other, not amount of negative feedback on-line will never equal the reality of their oppression or suffering. So please never hesitate to challenge me or confront me. I have been told that my delivery may scare some people off lol, well like I said I am quite impulsive and passionate so it is nothing personal and if it was, I would state it openly.